Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
