We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
