just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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