Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
