You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
