That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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