Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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