He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
