I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My ass is underappreciated
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
