theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
