When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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