i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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