just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
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The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
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Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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