Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
