I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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