It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
