Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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