Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
