i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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