I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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