Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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