Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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