you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
