LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
