We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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