He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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