where am i from again
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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