Having a random hookup so left but love u
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
