he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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