nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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