my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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