a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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