My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
