If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
