2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
