Me too!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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