I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
