omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
