he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
