do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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