Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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