Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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