i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
