he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize