Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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