After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
