You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
