Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You need a sexual gate keeper
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
