If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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