My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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