i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
