Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
