Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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