How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
