So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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