Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
