New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
