I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
